Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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