I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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