K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
