We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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