there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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