I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
