listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
