my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
