I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
