I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
