I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
