I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
