Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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