dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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