He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
