I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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