just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
