The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
