Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
