see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
