I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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