hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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