I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
