My first STD was from a foam party
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
it's like heaven, but drunker
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
