so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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