my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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