You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
