My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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