I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
