My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
