it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
