Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So here I am, sexting at work.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
