OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
