First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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