apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
