i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
