i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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