Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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