I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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