david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
