Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
