I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize