I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
