I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
