I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
