I think I am morally bankrupt
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
