Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
