we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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