also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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