made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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