thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
