Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
