if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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