drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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