Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
whose ass print is on the piano?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
