I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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