Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
