i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
