I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
