Don't make out with my wife yet
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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