I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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