he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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