shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
