between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
