Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
